Top Ten Reasons NASA rejected you as an Astronaut

As a NASA contractor, and with all the negative publicity surrounding the psycho bitch Lisa Nowak, I thought it appropriate to make a NASA Top Ten list.

10) You keep repeating ‘Houston we have a problem’, to Mission Control and then scream at the top of your lungs

9) You replaced the entire Tang supply with Jack Daniels

8) You keep hitting on your cute commander by saying ‘Hey baby we must be in space, because your boobs are defying gravity’

7) We experience 3Gs on the Shuttle? That’s nothing. I’ve got 9Gs, if you know what I mean

6) You get motion sickness on the moon buggy ride

5) You refer to NASA as ‘Need Another Shitty Astronaut’

4) When drinking in a bar with your crew, you kiss your male co-pilot on the lips and say, ‘I wish I knew how to quit you man’

3) When retelling the press about the next moon landing you state. ‘Oh well in 1969 we faked all that crap’

2) ‘Hey, I can see Rosie O’Donnell from here!’ Oh I’m sorry, that is from the Top Ten Rejected lines from Neil Armstrong.

1) You keep counting down to 10 in Klingon.

Dating Rules for the Modern Age

Ed's Rules for both sexes…

1) You can’t make anyone love you.

The most important rule of all. We have all been guilty of breaking it, but somehow we ignore this Golden Rule of Dating.

2) If someone is interested in you, they will let you know-one way or another.

If everyone adhered to the first two rules, dating would be so much easier. Of course I break my own rules all the time.

3) Never leave more than two voice mails, cell phone messages, emails, etc. They probably got the first one anyway. If there is any question about this, see Rule #2.

4) The best way to flirt is to always smile when talking/looking at someone

5) Unless you have been dating someone longer than 6 months, never drop by their residence unannounced.

6) You are not, repeat, YOU ARE NOT responsible for your date’s psychological problems.

7) You won’t meet anyone interesting if you never leave your backyard.

8) No one finds it interesting that you constantly denigrate your ex’s.

9) Never sleep with anyone that has more problems than you do.

10) Don't give someone a key unless they have your last name (spouse,
parents, etc.)

Never date a man that...

Spends more time on his hair than you do

Calls his mother 'mommy'

Drinks anything pink

Claims he’s never been in love

Does not want to meet your friends

Has no true friends of his own

Thinks poker should be an Olympic sport

Has a perm

Owns a Justin Timberlake CD

Only talks about himself

Has never owned a pet (fish & snakes don’t count)

Others rules of thumb for men:

If you don’t like her cat (or at least tolerate it), don’t expect her to like you.

She will always own more pairs of shoes than you do. Don’t bring it up again.

The more important the function, the less she needs to be rushed.

You will get more mileage by carrying out the garbage without being asked than you would by buying a dozen roses.

Although we like it, never EVER give women cash as a gift. At least a gift certificate means you left the house

It was cool when we were 19, but funneling should no longer be considered a talent

Without her asking, always volunteer to pick her up from the airport

Women always like a man with a good sense of humor. This does not include being able to play ‘Hey Jude’ with your armpit.

Life Lessons from the Movies

There is a great scene in the much-overlooked movie Grand Canyon, where Steve Martin states: “All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.” That quote got me thinking about all the life lessons I’ve learned from film over the years.

Courage: I learned how to handle fear by watching Gary Cooper in the classic western High Noon. A gunman and his gang are due to come back to the town they once terrorized. Not one of the townspeople volunteers to help the marshal; Cooper has to face off against the entire gang all alone.

Dissenting: In a seemingly open and shut murder case, eleven jurors initially vote guilty. A lone hold-out, played by Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men, convinces the rest of the jury to take a second look at the evidence.

Individualism: Robin Williams plays an inspirational poetry teacher at a New England prep school in the movie Dead Poet’s Society. In one scene, he has the boys walk around the courtyard. At first, each boy demonstrates their own walk, but soon they all walk alike, illustrating the power of conformity in our lives.

Respect: In the movie To Kill a Mockingbird, Gregory Peck defends a young black man. After losing the trial Atticus Finch gained the admiration of all the people in the gallery. My favorite quote of the movie, spoken by Reverend Sykes is: “Stand up, your father is passing.”

Patience: I learned I have none after sitting through the three hour yawn-fest Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End last summer.

Perseverance: There is a scene in Cool Hand Luke where George Kennedy repeatedly knocks Paul Newman down during a fistfight. After Newman is obviously beaten he continues to fight, taking more brutal punishment. Even when the crowd is yelling at him to stay down, he keeps getting back up.

Determination: Based on the real life story of Rudy Ruettiger, Rudy was short, poor, and not very bright. In spite of these major limitations, he not only manages to finish college at Notre Dame, but also plays on the Fighting Irish football team.

Letting Go: Since we have all been guilty of hanging onto doomed relationships, see Casablanca and learn how Humphrey Bogart lets go of Ingrid Bergman. Instead of being selfish, Bogart gave Bergman up for the greater good of defeating Nazi Germany. Casablanca was filmed in 1942, when the fate of the world was yet unknown.

Starting Over: To escape the dust bowl of the Great Depression, the Joad family packs up all their belongings and heads to California in John Ford’s The Grapes of Wrath. Henry Fonda’s “I’ll be there” speech is one of the most inspiring ever captured on film.

Integrity: Echoing my mother’s words, “…just because everyone else is doing it, doesn’t make it right.” Al Pacino in Serpico is a New York City police officer that refuses to be on the take.

Leadership: Patton. George C. Scott completely took over the role of the larger than life character of General Patton. What a shame they don’t make them like “old blood and guts” anymore.

Now, if you will excuse me I have some issues with my in-laws. I need to cue up The Godfather to learn how to solve this dilemma.

Ed Killingsworth, film nerd, learned the art of rolling an odometer backwards from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off